Understanding Self-Compassion: The Gift of Treating Yourself with Kindness

What is self-compassion, and why is it important?

For more than a century, self-compassion has been a component of psychotherapy under the term "self-acceptance." However, in the 1990s, clinical research turned its focus away from self-acceptance to accepting "moment-to-moment experience" with the help of mindfulness and acceptance-based treatments, which were inspired by Buddhism. Recently, the trend has shifted back to including both mindfulness (accepting moment-to-moment experience) and compassion (accepting the experiencer or "self") in therapy.

Self-acceptance in a moment of suffering is self-compassion.

When love meets suffering, that's self-compassion. 

(Image from Unsplash)

Kristin Neff, an associate professor in the University of Texas at Austin's department of educational psychology and a pioneer in the study of self-compassion, emphasizes the importance of mindfulness - paying attention to what's happening as it is happening with no judgment - in differentiating between self-indulgence and self-compassion. According to her, self-compassion involves turning towards our inner experiences with a sense of care and understanding. At the same time, self-indulgence often entails turning away from our discomfort in an effort to avoid pain and seek momentary relief.

As a therapist, I believe in helping individuals recognize their own pain and respond to it with kindness. This gentle yet powerful approach can prove invaluable in addressing both everyday challenges and more severe issues like depression, anxiety, and trauma. Furthermore, by cultivating self-compassion, we can potentially increase happiness and focus on the favorable aspects of life.

In fact, over 4000 research studies now show that practicing self-compassion can profoundly impact our well-being. Self-compassion can be a powerful source of strength, helping us cope with difficulties, maintain an open heart towards others, and alleviate symptoms of depression, stress, shame, and suicidal ideation that often arise in overwhelming moments. Instead of resorting to unhealthy coping mechanisms like substance use or comfort eating, self-compassion allows us to hold our pain with love and remain present with an open heart; rather than dismissing our pain with a "tough it out" mentality, self-compassion encourages us to acknowledge the difficulty of our situation and respond with care and kindness towards ourselves.

Essentially, self-compassion is an effective strategy for regulating emotions, particularly in response to intense emotions like shame or sadness, by allowing ourselves to acknowledge and hold them without being consumed by them.

What are the 3 core components of self-compassion?

Self-kindness vs. Self-criticism

Many of us have a tendency to be self-critical and use harsh words towards ourselves that we would never use towards a loved one. Self-kindness, on the other hand, is an antithesis of self-judgment or self-criticism. It entails treating ourselves with warmth and empathy and recognizing that we are bound to stumble and encounter challenges as human beings.

An example of self-kindness would be simply reminding yourself that it's okay not to be perfect and that you are doing your best. For instance, instead of pushing oneself too hard and burning out, a self-compassionate person may recognize the signs of stress or fatigue and allow themselves to rest or engage in activities that promote relaxation and self-care. This could involve taking a nap, walking in nature, taking a hot bath, or practicing mindfulness meditation. By treating oneself with kindness and understanding, a self-compassionate person can prevent exhaustion and replenish their energy, ultimately leading to greater well-being and productivity in the long run.

Another example is giving yourself words of encouragement and support, just as you would offer to a close friend in a similar situation. For example, imagine a friend coming to you upset about a recent breakup. You might offer words of support such as "I'm so sorry you're going through this. You are such a kind and loving person, and you deserve to find happiness and love." Similarly, when we experience a setback or difficult emotion ourselves, we can offer ourselves the same kind of support and encouragement. We might say something like, “This is really hard right now, but I'm doing the best I can. I'm worthy of love and kindness, and I know I'll get through this.”

By treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding we offer others, we can build a greater sense of self-compassion and resilience in the face of difficulty. This helps transform the inner critic that can sometimes be harsh and judgmental and creates a more supportive and nurturing inner voice that helps us to navigate life's challenges with greater ease and grace.

Common humanity vs. Isolation

The feeling of frustration when things do not go as planned is often accompanied by an irrational and all-encompassing sense of isolation, as if one is the only person facing suffering or making mistakes. However, this is far from reality as every human being is vulnerable, imperfect, and mortal by nature, making suffering and pain an integral part of the shared human experience.

Hence, practicing self-compassion means acknowledging that personal shortcomings and suffering are not unique to oneself but rather a universal experience shared by all humans. Recognizing that others share similar experiences and emotions can help us feel more connected and less isolated in our suffering. 

For example, imagine you've just had a difficult conversation with a colleague at work. You feel like you didn't handle the situation well, and now you're ruminating on what you should have said or done differently. You start to feel embarrassed and ashamed of yourself, thinking you're the only person struggling with communication and conflict resolution. In this moment, you can practice self-compassion by reminding yourself of the common humanity of mistakes and miscommunications. Everyone experiences difficulties in communication and conflict resolution from time to time. You're not alone in this struggle, and it's not a reflection of your worth as a person.

The concept of common humanity does not operate under the assumption that all suffering is uniform in nature but rather acknowledges that some individuals may experience greater levels of hardship than others. Regardless of the degree of suffering, the notion of common humanity emphasizes that every individual is an integral part of the collective human experience and therefore deserves to be treated with kindness and empathy. In essence, it recognizes that no one is unworthy of compassion, and everyone is deserving of it.

Mindfulness vs. Overidentification

Mindfulness involves paying attention to what's happening as it is happening without judgment. It is the art of observing our thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations as they arise in the present moment without any form of judgment or evaluation. It requires a certain level of awareness and acceptance of what is happening without being overwhelmed or carried away by our internal experiences. 

To practice mindfulness, we need to cultivate an open and curious attitude towards our thoughts and emotions, holding them in our awareness without becoming overly identified with them. It is a receptive state of mind that allows us to observe our thoughts and feelings without trying to deny, suppress, or judge them. We cannot show compassion for our pain if we ignore it. Only through this non-judgmental awareness can we develop self-compassion toward our own pain and suffering.

For example, if we feel overwhelmed with work, we can take a moment to observe our thoughts and feelings without judgment, noticing the sensations in our body and the thoughts contributing to our stress. This allows us to gain perspective on the situation and respond to it with more clarity and compassion rather than being swept up in reactive emotions. 

Another example of mindfulness when practicing self-compassion could be while engaging in a difficult conversation with someone. In this situation, you can be mindful of your thoughts and emotions, noticing when you start to feel defensive or judgmental. Instead of reacting automatically, you can take a moment to observe these thoughts and emotions without judgment and then respond with kindness and compassion towards yourself and the other person. By staying present and mindful in the moment, you can avoid getting caught up in negative reactions and respond more skillfully to the situation.

Why can self-compassion be so hard to practice?

Self-compassion can be challenging to practice for a variety of reasons. 

Firstly, many of us have internalized critical or unsupportive voices from past experiences or relationships. These negative self-beliefs can create a sense of shame or unworthiness, making it difficult to treat oneself with the same kindness, caring, and understanding that a loving parent would offer a suffering child. We may have come to believe that we do not deserve compassion or that being self-critical is necessary for personal growth and improvement.

Secondly, self-compassion can be challenging because it involves facing and acknowledging our pain and suffering, which can be uncomfortable and overwhelming. It requires us to be present with difficult emotions and experiences rather than avoiding or suppressing them. Many of us have developed coping mechanisms, such as numbing or distracting ourselves, that prevent us from fully experiencing our emotions. Practicing self-compassion requires a willingness to sit with discomfort and vulnerability, which can be a scary and difficult prospect.

Thirdly, self-compassion can be challenging because it requires a shift in mindset and behavior. We may have become accustomed to treating ourselves harshly and critically, which can feel familiar and even comforting in its familiarity. It can be difficult to let go of these patterns of behavior and adopt new habits that are more self-compassionate. Additionally, self-compassion involves developing greater self-awareness and self-reflection, which can be a daunting and challenging process.

What is an alternative way to practice self-compassion? Behavioral self-compassion.

According to Paul Gilbert, a clinical psychologist and the founder of compassion-focused therapy, self-compassionate mental practices can be daunting and triggering. For instance, the practice of saying that “it is ok to feel sadness” may elevate our anxiety because we have implicit memories of being told that it is not acceptable to feel sad. 

So Gilbert offers another approach to practicing self-compassion, focusing mostly on behavioral self-compassion: what do I need right now to feel soothed and comforted? It may be petting my dog, meeting a friend, putting on enjoyable music, or watching a favorite movie.

Still, according to Chris Germer, a clinical psychologist who co-developed the Mindful Self-Compassion program with Kristin Neff in 2010, it can prove hard to practice behavioral self-compassion when we are distressed. He recommends asking ourselves specific questions, such as: 

What do I need to feel safe? 

What do I need to be comforted, soothed, and validated? 

What do I need to feel protected and provided for? 

What do I need to motivate myself?

How would I treat a friend facing the same challenges?

How do I care for myself already in moments of stress or struggle?

How am I kind to myself already, and how can I apply it now?

These behavioral practices are optimally used when we first need to establish a sense of safety in our practice of self-compassion. Psychological safety is the feeling that we can express our ideas, make mistakes, and take risks without concern that we will be humiliated, ridiculed, or shamed. Once emotionally safe, we may be more open to shifting from behavioral practices to mental ones. And we can enlist the help of a guide, compassionate friend, or psychotherapist as we embark on this new way of relating to ourselves. 

Germer also points out two important factors in practicing self-compassion: 

We cannot learn to become self-compassionate overnight. 

Changing how we relate to ourselves can be a significant challenge since it often involves breaking deep-rooted self-criticism and negative self-talk patterns. It involves embarking on a journey that requires consistent effort, time, and practice.

When we suffer, we give ourselves compassion not to feel better but because we feel bad.

Herein lies the paradox of self-compassion: if we give ourselves compassion because we want to change how we are feeling, and feel differently from what we do, then it won't work. We cannot manipulate how we feel in order to feel better. However, if we give ourselves compassion because we feel bad, then it works. 

A good metaphor to illustrate this is how a parent would care for their child with the flu. As parents, we soothe the child by preparing a warm bowl of soup, keeping their temperature comfortable, and perhaps reading them a story. But we can’t make the flu disappear - it has to run its course. What we can do is offer comfort as a simple expression of sympathy and love. 

What would it be like to respond to our own suffering the way a parent responds to a child with the flu – just because? Can we offer ourselves the same kindness just because we feel bad?

Warmly,

Anny 

Kindly note: The information included in this blog is not intended nor implied to be a substitute for mental health services. Please consult with a qualified professional to determine the appropriateness of the information for your own life experiences or if you have any questions.