Why We Struggle with Self-Compassion: Breaking Down the Myths and Misconceptions

Most of us view compassion as an admirable trait, as it entails empathy, generosity, warmth, thoughtfulness, consideration, goodness, and an innate desire to help others in need. However, self-compassion is not welcomed in the same positive light.

Instead, self-compassion is regarded by many of us as being selfish, indulgent, self-centered, complacent, or pitiful.  

Consider this imaginative example, which may strike a chord with many: Alex is a 32-year-old software engineer with a good-paying job, a loving partner, and supportive friends. He is also an avid runner and volunteers with his partner at a local homeless shelter on weekends. By all accounts, he is living a fulfilling life.

However, Alex has been struggling with his mental health for months. He is constantly anxious, feels exhausted, and has trouble sleeping. His passion for running and volunteering has waned, and he finds it hard to motivate himself. Despite being successful in his job and personal life, he feels like a failure, as if he is not doing enough. He puts immense pressure on himself to keep up with his hectic schedule, often pushing his limits to exhaustion.

Alex's therapist suggested he practice self-compassion, but he is skeptical. To him, self-compassion is a sign of weakness and a lack of personal responsibility. He has always been hard on himself, and showing kindness and understanding toward himself is foreign and uncomfortable. So despite knowing that he needs to take care of his mental health, Alex struggles to let go of his self-critical tendencies and embrace loving-kindness towards himself.

Understanding the Reasons Why We Struggle to Practice Self-Compassion

There are several reasons why we may shy away from practicing self-compassion, and these include, but are not limited to, the following: 

• We are unfamiliar with the concept and need to figure out where to begin, especially if we were not modeled self-compassionate behaviors growing up. 

• Historically, our cultures have greatly emphasized self-discipline, self-denial, and self-punishment as a path to achieving moral and spiritual purity. Although many of us may not strictly adhere to religious practices, these deeply rooted beliefs have been woven into our societal expectations. As a result, we may feel a sense of guilt or shame, or exclusion when attempting to practice self-compassion because, consciously or subconsciously, we are challenging the rules of morality and going against cultural norms.

• We may have learned early on that our needs and emotions are unimportant or not valued. Traumatic experiences, such as abuse (emotional, verbal, physical, or sexual) or neglect, can cause us to internalize negative messages about ourselves, leading to low self-esteem and self-criticism. These negative beliefs and self-talk can persist into adulthood, making being kind and understanding towards oneself challenging. In addition, trauma can make it hard to trust oneself and others, making it tough to feel safe and secure enough to practice self-compassion.

Alex's story is familiar. 

We are all flawed and imperfect, moving through life and coping with everything thrown at us. 

Dispelling Common Misconceptions About Self-Compassion: Understanding the Myths and Obstacles

The most common myths, obstacles, and misconceptions about the practice of self-compassion are the following: 

Myth #1: Self-compassion is a sign of weakness. 

Society often instills the notion of "toughening up" and equates vulnerability with fragility. However, self-compassion is not synonymous with being feeble. Instead, it takes immense courage to establish our boundaries, recognize our needs, and prioritize ourselves.

Recent studies indicate that self-compassion is not a weakness but a potent tool for coping, building resilience, and cultivating inner fortitude. Moreover, when confronted with significant life challenges such as divorce (Sbarra, Smith & Mehl, 2012), trauma (Hiraoka et al., 2015), chronic illness (Sirois, Molnar & Hirsch, 2015), or chronic pain (Wren et al., 2012), self-compassion has been shown to improve our ability to cope.

How we speak to ourselves during trying times can significantly impact our ability to regulate our emotions and cope with adversity. 

Are we being scolded by our Inner Critic, who means well with their tough-love yet shaming critiques, or uplifted by our Inner Champion? What is the tone of our self-talk?

Myth #2: Self-compassion implies selfishness. 

Self-compassion is often misunderstood as a selfish act, but it is actually a crucial component in caring for others authentically and deeply. Unfortunately, many of us who are naturally big-hearted and selfless often neglect our needs in service of others, thinking that this is necessary for our overall sense of goodness. However, constantly giving without attending to our needs is emotionally draining and unsustainable.

This is where self-compassion comes in. It acts as a protective barrier that allows us to empathize with others or our own suffering without being overwhelmed. Through this self-care act, we can sustainably care for others, for we cannot pour from an empty cup.

It's a common misperception that self-compassion is a zero-sum game, where the more we give to ourselves, the less we have available for others. However, the opposite is true. 

The more we allow compassion to flow inward, the more resources we have available to give to others. 

By recognizing and addressing our own needs, we are better equipped to understand and empathize with others, leading to increased forgiveness and perspective-taking.

In essence, self-compassion is not selfish but an essential practice that benefits us and those around us. By prioritizing self-compassion, we create an emotional reservoir that allows us to be more present, supportive, and genuinely and sustainably care for others from a place of abundance.

The research backs all this up. According to studies by Neff and Beretvas (2013) and Wayment, West, and Craddock (2016), individuals who practice self-compassion tend to be more empathetic and supportive in their interpersonal relationships. Additionally, studies by Tandler and Petersen (2018) and Yarnell and Neff (2013) have found that self-compassionate individuals are less likely to experience jealousy and more likely to compromise during conflicts within their relationships. Furthermore, research by Neff and Pommier (2013) suggests that practicing self-compassion leads to increased compassion for others.

Myth #3: Self-compassion implies self-indulgence. 

Self-compassion involves recognizing and fulfilling our needs to achieve balance, find relief, and ease our suffering. It is akin to a wise parent prioritizing their child's long-term well-being over momentary pleasure. Like a caring parent wouldn't allow their child to indulge in endless servings of ice cream but instead encourage them to eat their vegetables, self-compassion promotes lasting health and happiness over fleeting gratification.

Moreover, in our society, we are conditioned to compare ourselves to others and set impossible standards that often leave us feeling inadequate. As a result, we find ourselves constantly pursuing someone or something, seeking validation, and striving to view ourselves as "better than average," all in the name of self-esteem.

However, Dr. Neff's research reveals that this pursuit of high self-esteem can have negative consequences, leading to prejudice and an artificial sense of self-worth.

On the other hand, self-compassion is not a form of evaluation or judgment but rather an attitude of kindness and acceptance toward ourselves, even when we fall short of our expectations.

The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self Compassion: Dr. Kristin Neff at TEDxCentennialParkWomen

Unlike self-esteem, which requires social comparison and the feeling of superiority over others, self-compassion encourages us to embrace our imperfections with open hearts. It is a loyal and supportive inner ally that offers comfort and understanding in times of difficulty.

Therefore, by practicing self-compassion, we can find solace in the understanding that we deserve love and acceptance simply by virtue of being human. 

It is a gentle reminder that we are enough, just as we are.

Again, the research bears this out. Studies have indicated that individuals who practice self-compassion tend to adopt healthier behaviors (Sirois, 2015). Such behaviors include regular exercise routines (Magnus, Kowalski & McHugh, 2010), healthy dietary habits (Schoenefeld & Webb, 2013), reduced alcohol consumption (Brooks et al., 2012), and more frequent attendance of medical check-ups (Terry et al., 2013).

Myth #4: Self-compassion undermines motivation. 

When we are kind to ourselves, we can maintain high personal standards without falling into self-defeating thoughts and behaviors when we don't meet those standards. 

Some may worry that self-compassion can undermine our motivation and prevent us from achieving our goals. We fear becoming lazy and complacent if we don't "motivate" ourselves with harsh self-talk and inner criticism. This belief can be a significant barrier to self-compassion. 

However, research shows that self-compassion enhances motivation, but in a different way than self-criticism.

Self-criticism can work as a motivator through fear, but it also has nasty side effects, such as performance anxiety and undermining our motivation; in fact, it undermines self-confidence and leads to fear of failure. On the other hand, people motivated by care and compassion have the same standards and goals but handle failures differently. They don't shame themselves or give up; they learn from their failures, take responsibility, and persist.

Research suggests that self-compassion is a much better personal motivator than self-criticism because it provides the emotionally supportive environment needed for change (Dundas, Binder, Hansen & Stige, 2017; Zhang & Chen, 2016). It helps us acquire new learning instead of fixating on performance goals, reduces the fear of failure and performance anxiety, and fosters self-improvement. In addition, self-compassion creates a safe and brave space within ourselves to acknowledge and learn from our missteps, which boosts our sense of responsibility and desire to try again (Breines & Chen, 2012; Kreemers, van Hooft & van Vianen, 2018.)

Myth #5: Self-compassion implies self-pity. 

Self-pity and self-compassion are fundamentally different approaches to dealing with life's challenges. While self-pity involves wallowing in our problems and feeling sorry for ourselves, self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering is a natural part of the human experience and responding to it with kindness, consideration, and understanding.

Self-pity involves becoming absorbed in our problems and feeling sorry for ourselves, leading to isolation and disconnection from others. In contrast, self-compassion involves acknowledging that suffering is an intrinsic part of the human experience and responding to it with kindness, consideration, and understanding.

Research has shown that people who practice self-compassion are more likely to bounce back from setbacks, cope effectively with stress and difficult emotions, and avoid self-destructive or self-defeating behaviors such as substance abuse or self-harm. This is because self-compassion involves a balanced perspective that recognizes the universality of suffering while maintaining mindfulness and perspective-taking (Neff & Pommier, 2013.) In addition, self-compassionate people are less likely to ruminate on their problems or become trapped in negative thought patterns. Instead, they move through their hardships with a balanced perspective (Odou & Brinker, 2015; Raes, 2010.)

To sum up, an increasing amount of research is demonstrating the incredible advantages of practicing self-compassion. The great news is that self-compassion can be learned, developed, or rekindled. It is not an indulgent whim or luxury but one of the most valuable gifts we can give ourselves. 

Warmly,

Anny

Much appreciation and inspiration from the workshop on "Self-Compassion as the Antidote to Shame" with Dr. Chris Germer and Dr. Kristin Neff's teachings from the Center of Mindful Self-Compassion.

Kindly note: The information included in this blog is not intended nor implied to be a substitute for mental health services. Please consult with a qualified professional to determine the appropriateness of the information for your own life experiences or if you have any questions.

References 

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Brooks, M., Kay-Lambkin, F., Bowman, J., & Childs, S. (2012). Self-compassion amongst clients with problematic alcohol use. Mindfulness, pp. 3, 308-317.

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