How Shame Can Impact Every Aspect of Our Lives: The Roots of Chronic Shame

The Shame Behind Imposter Syndrome and Anxiety: Lilith's Story of Self-Compassion and Acceptance

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Let me tell you the story of Lilith, a successful entrepreneur. Lilith had always been an overachiever and a perfectionist, and her career reflected that. She had climbed the corporate ladder and was now a high-level executive. 

However, despite her success, Lilith suffered from debilitating imposter syndrome. She constantly felt like she didn't deserve her achievements, that she was a fraud, and that people would eventually find out she wasn't as competent as they thought.

Lilith tried all sorts of techniques to manage her anxiety and self-doubt. She went to therapy, read self-help books, and tried medication, but nothing worked. Her anxiety would always creep back up, especially when she had to give presentations or attend important meetings.

One day, Lilith decided to take a break from work and go on a yoga and meditation retreat. She had always been curious about mindfulness and heard it could help manage anxiety and stress. During the retreat, she learned about loving-kindness meditation, which involved sending kind and compassionate thoughts to oneself and others.

At first, Lilith was skeptical. How could repeating a few kind phrases to herself make any difference? But she decided to give it a try. Over the course of the retreat, she practiced loving-kindness meditation every day.

When she returned to work, Lilith was surprised to find that she was less anxious and more confident. She still felt some self-doubt, but it was no longer paralyzing. And when Lilith had to give a presentation to the board of directors, instead of feeling like a fraud, Lilith felt a sense of compassion and empathy towards herself. Instead of being overwhelmed by anxiety, she felt calm and focused.

Lilith realized that her imposter syndrome was not just anxiety but also a deep sense of shame.

She had been so focused on proving herself that she had never stopped to acknowledge her worth and accomplishments. Through loving-kindness meditation, she learned to be kinder and more compassionate towards herself, which made all the difference.

From that day forward, Lilith made a commitment to practice mindfulness and self-compassion regularly. She realized that her success was not a result of being perfect or infallible but of her talent and dedication. And most importantly, she learned to accept herself, flaws and all, and to let go of her shame and self-doubt.

Shame: The Painful Experience of Seeing Yourself Through Another's Scorn

At its core, shame is a complex self-conscious emotion characterized by a harsh and negative evaluation of oneself. This complex emotion was explored by the pioneering work of Helen Block Lewis, a psychiatrist, and psychoanalyst, who eloquently described shame as "one's own vicarious experience of the other's scorn," an agonizingly painful experience of the self through the eyes of the other.

Indeed, the experience of shame is comprised of three integral components. 

• The first is the awareness of oneself as a separate entity, which typically emerges in children around one and a half to two years of age. 

• The second component is the recognition of oneself in the eyes of others, which typically unfolds around two and a half to three years of age. 

• Finally, the third component of shame is the presence of a negative self-evaluation, manifesting as feelings of inferiority, worthlessness, inadequacy, or blame.

Guilt and Shame:

What's the Difference and Why It Matters

In the realm of human emotions, guilt, and shame are two closely related yet distinct experiences. Guilt, in its essence, is the acknowledgment that we have made a mistake, an error in our behavior that has caused harm or offense to others. On the other hand, shame is a more insidious emotion that attacks the core of our being, making us feel that we are the mistake, unworthy of love and acceptance.

Guilt says, "I made a mistake." 

Shame says, "I am a mistake."

So shame attacks the self, whereas guilt addresses behavior. Unfortunately, it is all too common for us to take criticism of our behavior as a personal affront, especially when it is delivered with a harsh and judgmental tone. This type of criticism often triggers a shame response that feels like a direct assault on our sense of self-worth.

According to research, guilt is a prosocial emotion because it propels us towards self-improvement and improving our relationships with others. In contrast, shame has the opposite effect, dampening our motivation and causing us to withdraw from constructive change or become aggressive toward others or ourselves. So shame generally fails to motivate us to make positive changes. Instead, it keeps us focused on self-absorption and perpetuates a cycle of isolation and self-loathing.

From Learned Behavior to Trauma:

Understanding the Roots of Shame

It's worth noting that, generally, most experiences of shame are short-lived and don't necessarily have a negative impact. In fact, shame, like guilt, can be beneficial in some cases as it can halt us in our tracks, prompting us to reflect on our actions. 

However, when shame becomes an ingrained trait, it can profoundly negatively affect every aspect of our lives - psychologically, physically, and interpersonally. This chronic shame is often what brings people to therapy.

So when shame is a trait, it's a result of how others have treated us. Shame is learned - none of us are born feeling ashamed. Our experiences in childhood and the cultural messages we receive play a significant role in shaping our sense of self-worth and whether or not we feel shame.

The Link Between Childhood Attachment and Shame:

Withdrawal, Over-Compliance, and Attack

(Image on the left from Unsplash)

Shame is deeply intertwined with our attachment experiences. Children instinctively seek the comfort and security of their parents, particularly during times of stress. When a child is met with loving care during such times, they learn that the world can be safe.

The child internalizes this nurturing environment and will likely treat themselves with the same compassion they received from their caregivers. Indeed, research demonstrates that children who receive high levels of compassion are more likely to be self-compassionate as adults.

However, when a child's attempts to establish connection and comfort are met with rejection, dissonance arises within the child. On the one hand, the child instinctually yearns for relational support and closeness. Yet, on the other hand, the memory of previous painful rejections lingers. 

Moreover, research has also revealed that it is not necessarily the act of wrongdoing itself that causes shame but rather the fear of being devalued by others or the actual experience of being devalued by others. This points to a powerful driver of shame: a sense of disconnection or a lack of belonging.

For example, a child may feel shame not because they got a math problem wrong but because their teacher responded with disappointment and said, "I expected better from you." The fear of being devalued by their teacher and peers can trigger feelings of shame, not the actual math error.

Another example could be a child who accidentally spills juice on the carpet. They may not feel shame simply from spilling the juice but rather from the fear of being scolded or punished by their parents or being made fun of by their siblings. Again, the fear of being devalued by others leads to the experience of shame.

As a result, the child may experience one of three possible reactions:

• The first is withdrawal, where the child may avoid intimacy or display ambivalence towards it. So we learn to withdraw from seeking emotional closeness and may avoid situations that require vulnerability, such as opening up to friends or family members. We may become emotionally distant and may struggle to form deep connections with others. 

• The second is over-compliance, where the child seeks to please others for approval. We may become hyper-vigilant and strive to be the "perfect" child, obedient and accommodating to our parent's needs, even at the expense of our wants and needs. This may lead to difficulties in setting boundaries and asserting ourselves in relationships.

• The third reaction is to attack, which occurs when a child's attempts at connection are repeatedly met with mockery or humiliation, leading to a buildup of anger that may manifest as defiance and rebellion later in life.

"The most transformative paradox, in my opinion, is that shame is an innocent emotion that arises from the wish to be loved. The wish to be loved is the engine that drives the train of shame." - Chris Germer PhD

The Shame-Emotion Connection:

Understanding How Shame Affects Our Feelings

Curiously, these three reactions to rejection - withdrawal, over-compliance, and attack - align precisely with the primary behavioral responses that follow an experience of shame. Unfortunately, shame also becomes intertwined with other emotions. 

For instance, when a child is persistently misunderstood or rejected, they may learn to repress the very emotions that led to the shaming experience in the first place. Suppose a child expresses vulnerability and is shamed for it. In that case, they may learn to associate vulnerability with shame, leading to a chronic sense of shame later in life.

Likewise, shame can be linked to other emotions, such as sadness and pride. For example, children naturally take pride in their accomplishments. Still, when they are shamed for doing so, they learn that pride is unacceptable. Similarly, when parents are depressed or angry and critique their child's happiness, the child may come to believe that joy is shameful. 

Thus, shame has a binding quality, tightly clinging to and disrupting the natural flow of other emotions like anger, worry, and grief. The tragic consequence is that shame can rob individuals of many emotions, creating a heavy toll that lasts a lifetime. 

Beyond the Family: The Cultural Nature of Shame

Shame, interestingly enough, is not exclusively learned within the confines of the family; it can also be a product of our culture and a societal construct. Indeed, seeking approval and connection is an ongoing pursuit that extends beyond the home. 

In addition, every culture privileges specific identities while oppressing others. In this way, cultural shame permeates our existence, evident in the insidious nature of microaggressions, i.e., those comments that intentionally or unintentionally diminish a person's inherent worth as a human being. Yet, cultural shame also manifests through overt acts of violence and harm inflicted on individuals with marginalized identities. Over time, the repeated patterns of discrimination and oppression inflict a heavy toll on the human psyche and body with lasting impact. 

A Few Truths About Shame

The experience of shame is a complex and multifaceted phenomenon that deserves our attention and care. To summarize, here are some truths about the nature of shame: 

• Shame is a complex self-conscious emotion characterized by a harsh and negative evaluation of oneself.

• Shame is a painful and isolating emotion that can erode our self-image and sense of belonging.

• None of us are born feeling ashamed.

• Shame is a universal human emotion that can arise from various lived experiences, including and not limited to trauma, cultural norms, and attachment experiences.

• Shame does not discriminate. It can touch anyone from all walks of life, irrespective of race, ethnicity, religion, socio-economic status, physical appearance, or level of "success."

Reflective Offerings on Shame

How far back does shame go?

We get to know ourselves through our parents' eyes. As you reflect upon your past, consider whether feelings of shame may have taken root during your formative years. 

Perhaps you were constantly compared to your high-achieving sibling by your parents or were on the receiving end of your parents' disappointment in your choices, making you question your self-worth. Perhaps you were neglected or ignored emotionally, leaving you believing that you are unworthy of love and attention. Or you received so much criticism that you feel like you can never measure up.

Moreover, in contemplating the impact of parents and caregivers on our shame-based experiences, it's crucial to note that acknowledging these experiences does not entail assigning blame to them. More often than not, their reactions stem from their own life experiences and past traumas. However, it's vital to recognize that this understanding does not diminish the validity of our lived experiences during childhood and how shame may have seeped into our internal psyche through those experiences.

In what ways has shame influenced your interpersonal relationships?

Perhaps you prioritize others' needs and feelings over your own in relationships, often neglecting your emotional well-being. Perhaps you constantly try to read others' moods and adjust your behavior accordingly to avoid disapproval or rejection. Maybe you struggle with vulnerability in relationships, fearing that you will be judged and rejected if you reveal your true self. Or you have a strong need for validation and acceptance from others, to the extent that you compromise your values and beliefs. Or you tend to hide your perceived flaws and inadequacies from others, leading to a sense of inauthenticity in your relationships.

Healing from shame is possible.

Lilith's narrative illustrates the significant impact our inner dialogue and beliefs can have on our life's trajectory. Her journey is a shining example of the potency of self-introspection and self-compassion in transcending the insidious grip of shame and a moving reminder of the capacity for personal growth and healing within each of us. 

"When we are in the grip of shame and have the capacity to know that we’re caught up in shame (i.e., we’re mindful of shame), then offering ourselves the understanding, 'And I only feel like this because I just want to be loved!' can reframe the entire experience." - Chris Germer PhD

Warmly,

Anny

Kindly note: The information included in this blog is not intended nor implied to be a substitute for mental health services. Please consult with a qualified professional to determine the appropriateness of the information for your own life experiences or if you have any questions.