Breaking the Cycle: How to Free Ourselves from Shame-Parenting
Within this article, we shall delve into the alternatives available to parents seeking liberation from the harmful practice of "shame-parenting" and undertake a journey of self-reflection to comprehend and disentangle our association with shame.
Just like the ebb and flow of life's moments, emotions, too, exist on a spectrum of intensity. Shame is no exception.
Dan Siegel's Insight on the Power of 'Mild Shame' in Self-Regulation
According to Dan Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine, the "prefrontal cortex clutch" is a mechanism that enables us to regulate our behavior and impulses. It refers to a child's experience of "mild shame" as a valuable tool that helps them maintain a sense of safety, adapt to their surroundings, and pursue their goals securely and healthily.
This clutch is a neurological process that allows a child to redirect their behavior to avoid getting into constant trouble. Essentially, it serves as a powerful self-regulation mechanism, whether during childhood or adulthood.
(Image from Unsplash)
The Hidden Cost of Shame-Parenting: Understanding the Long-Term Impact
As nurturing parents, it is crucial to establish empathic limits that our children can comprehend and adhere to. When our little ones acknowledge and accept these limits, it bolsters the development of neural pathways in their brains, fortifying this vital "internal clutch." The crux of this mechanism lies in the phrase "empathic limits," highlighting the significance of compassion and understanding in setting boundaries for our children's benefit.
Pause for a moment and reflect on the contrasting nature of these two statements:
"Bobby, you have a talent for disassembling and reassembling things! However, the plates on the table are vulnerable to breaking. How about we find those Legos you enjoy playing with?" Versus:
"Bobby, how could you break these plates? Can't you behave yourself and stop causing trouble?"
When caregivers adopt the approach of the first statement, Bobby receives the message that his needs are being heard and that his caregiver is a safe and reliable source of guidance. With consistent reinforcement, Bobby internalizes this lesson, developing an understanding of the limits in place. As Bobby continues to encounter empathic boundaries, he begins to internalize and generalize these experiences, fostering the growth of self-discipline and self-discernment skills that will serve him well as he grows and encounters more challenges. Ultimately, this approach helps Bobby develop a sense of safety, security, and trust in his relationship with his caregiver, paving the way for healthy emotional development.
Conversely, the second statement can have a detrimental impact on Bobby's emotional well-being. Bobby may internalize the message that he is a "bad boy" and a burden on his caregiver, causing him immense distress. For a child, the caregiver is their entire world, and the perception of being rejected by this world can be excruciatingly painful. Bobby may begin to feel that he is fundamentally flawed and that his very being is unacceptable, breeding a sense of shame that can be challenging to overcome. In essence, this approach is counterproductive, damaging Bobby's self-image and undermining his emotional development.
One might wonder if this one incident can permanently scar Bobby. The answer, simply put, is no. However, let's suppose such shaming incidents are recurrent. In that case, they may significantly impact Bobby's socio-emotional development, leading to feelings of inadequacy and shame.
To cope with this pain, the child may attempt to repress these feelings, pushing parts of himself (LINK) out of awareness. This can result in forming coping mechanisms and defense mechanisms that offer protection but may not be entirely healthy. Furthermore, as the child grows and navigates through life, these coping mechanisms may manifest as harmful vices or behaviors with long-lasting adverse consequences.
Parenting with Heart: Strengthening the Bond with Your Child While Setting Limits
Parenting is undoubtedly one of life's most challenging and demanding roles, and it is natural for parents to prioritize their children's safety above all else.
However, as we have seen, shaming children can negatively affect their emotional well-being. So, how can we ensure our children's safety while avoiding shame-based parenting?
Below are a few practical suggestions to consider.
(Image from Unsplash)
1: Strengthen Your Empathic Limit-Setting Muscle: A Gift to Your Child's Self-Regulation
As parents, it's our responsibility to practice setting empathic limits for our children. But it takes a lot of work, time, effort, and patience. However, each time we practice, we allow our child to develop their neural wiring for self-regulation. So, let's strengthen our empathic limit-setting muscles and help our children thrive.
2: Refrain from guilt trip or shaming, even if the act appears small and harmless.
Rather than shame-provoking statements that attack our child's character, we can express understanding and provide guidance while maintaining a sense of boundaries.
For instance, instead of shaming our child for being upset and crying, we can validate their emotions and offer a listening ear to understand what's wrong. Doing so demonstrates that we are a safe and trustworthy source of guidance for our children.
"Stop crying; that's what babies do." -> “You are so upset right now. Tell me what happened. I want to help you.”
Another example: if our child comes home from school and realizes they have lost their backpack, instead of scolding them for being careless, a parent can approach the situation with empathy and understanding. For example, they can suggest retracing their steps, checking with the school office, or asking their classmates if they have seen the backpack. By doing this, we encourage our children to take responsibility for their actions while still providing support and guidance, leading to a more positive outcome and a strengthened sense of trust and security in the parent-child relationship.
"You're so careless; I can't believe you forgot your backpack." -> "I understand you're feeling upset because you forgot your backpack. Remembering to bring everything with us is important, and forgetting something can be frustrating. Let's work together to find a solution, so you don't forget your backpack again."
Ultimately, by reframing our language and adopting empathic limit-setting comments, we create an environment of safety, security, and trust that promotes our child's healthy emotional and social development.
3: Create an environment where no topic is off the table.
Creating an open and honest environment at home is crucial for healthy family dynamics. Children have an innate sense of awareness and can detect when something is amiss in the family system. They absorb tensions and are more perceptive than they let on. Keeping secrets from children can lead to shame and create a sense of taboo around specific topics, damaging their emotional development.
Of course, as parents and caregivers, we must be mindful of age-appropriate conversations and disclosures. However, creating a safe space where no topic is off-limits is essential. Doing so empowers our children to communicate their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or shame. This open communication promotes healthy relationships within the family and encourages children to develop strong self-awareness and self-expression skills that will serve them well throughout their lives.
4: Be who you want your child to become.
Our children are like sponges, soaking up every behavior, every word, and every gesture we display toward them. They watch us intently, learning how to navigate the world from our actions. Therefore, it's crucial that we model the behavior we hope to see in them. If we want our children to grow into compassionate and respectful adults, we must start by treating them with compassion and respect today. When we communicate with them with kindness, they will learn to do the same. When we listen to them with patience and understanding, they will learn to listen in the same way. By being the role model we want our children to become, we create a ripple effect that will shape their behaviors and relationships for years to come.
5: Refrain from punishment.
As parents, it's important to recognize that punishment can negatively affect our children's emotional well-being. While we may think we're teaching them valuable lessons, the reality is that punishment often leads to feelings of shame, inadequacy, and low self-esteem. Our children look up to us and aim to please us, so by punishing them, we're sending the message that they're not good enough. This can lead to shame, low self-esteem, and other negative outcomes.
“I don't want them to be mad at me all the time. Something is wrong with me.”
Instead of punishment, we can focus on connecting with our children. Spending time with them, attuning to their needs, and creating an environment where they feel comfortable discussing any topic can go a long way in helping them develop a positive self-image and emotional regulation skills.
As children, we all deserved to feel loved, supported, and accepted for who we are.
However, if we didn't receive this, we have the opportunity to break the cycle and create a new path for our children. Let's work to help our kids connect with the vibrancy and inherent goodness that surrounds them, so they can grow up feeling empowered and confident in themselves.
Warmly,
Anny
Kindly note: The information included in this blog is not intended nor implied to be a substitute for mental health services. Please consult with a qualified professional to determine the appropriateness of the information for your own life experiences or if you have any questions.
