The Yin and Yang of Compassion: Balancing Tender and Fierce Self-Compassion
From Internalized Criticism to Self-Compassion: The Impact of Early Life Experiences
Dr. Kristin Neff, a prominent self-compassion researcher, illuminates how our early childhood experiences can shape our capacity for self-compassion.
The quality of our caregivers' attentiveness and responsiveness to our emotional needs lays the foundation for how we learn to treat ourselves.
Indeed, we internalize self-criticism through a process of modeling. For instance, if we were bombarded with overwhelming negative feedback during our early developmental years, we would likely become highly skilled at engaging in self-blame and directing harsh judgment toward ourselves and those around us.
Extending self-compassion can be daunting for those who have endured abuse. Yet, as we learn to care for our needs and embrace our inherent worth, we can forge secure attachments to ourselves as adults through self-compassion's transformative power.
According to Kristin Neff, self-compassion is the act of being kind, gentle, and understanding toward oneself, especially in times of difficulty, pain, or failure. It involves extending the same warmth, care, and empathy to oneself that one would offer to a dear friend.
During a recent workshop facilitated by Dr. Neff via the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion, she spoke of self-compassion as a benevolent act of embracing ourselves in a cocoon of comfort, reassurance, and validation. This nurturing experience is entirely distinct from the conceit of arrogance, which stems from a lack of self-love. In essence, self-compassion is about rekindling our connection to our humanness and adopting a gentle, dignified stance towards ourselves so we avoid getting trapped in the suffocating quicksand of self-criticism and lose faith in our boundless potential.
The Three Components of Self-Compassion
Self-compassion comprises three core components: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.
Self-kindness entails being supportive and understanding towards oneself rather than harshly self-critical or judgmental.
Common humanity recognizes that struggles, mistakes, and suffering are part of the shared human experience. We are not alone in our pain.
Mindfulness involves being present and aware of our thoughts, feelings, and sensations without judgment, enabling us to respond to ourselves with greater wisdom and compassion.
In essence, self-compassion is an empowering tool for cultivating emotional resilience, fostering self-worth, and navigating life's challenges with greater ease and grace.
From Tender to Fierce Self-Compassion
As coined by Neff, self-compassion has traditionally been associated with gentle and nurturing care towards oneself - what she terms "tender self-compassion." However, in recent times, Neff has directed her attention towards the notion of "fierce self-compassion" - a concept that emphasizes the importance of courageously standing up for oneself and one's well-being.
While tender self-compassion aids us in being with our pain in a nurturing, comforting, and soothing way, fierce self-compassion helps us protect, provide, and motivate.
The notion of "fierce self-compassion," as Neff describes, involves moving through the world in a manner that is supportive, empowering, and protective of our innermost being. Such a manner could entail setting clear boundaries, refusing to accept racial and gender disparities, speaking up for our beliefs, and instigating positive change. While it is essential to accept ourselves as we are, there may also be aspects of our lives that we wish to transform. Through practicing fierce self-compassion, we can take action to meet our needs and stay true to our authentic selves.
For instance, a community organizer who advocates for policies and programs that benefit marginalized groups displays the yang aspect of compassion. By taking action to address systemic issues and promote justice, they work towards creating lasting change that benefits many people. This kind of compassionate response, which involves taking action, represents the yang aspect of compassion. The yang side is about protecting others, meeting their needs, and encouraging each other to do what's right, even if it requires courage and fortitude.
In her book "Fierce Self-Compassion," Kristin Neff uses the example of a mama bear and her cubs to illustrate the concept of fierce self-compassion. She notes that when a mother bear perceives a threat to her cubs, she instinctively becomes fierce, protecting and defending them with everything she has. In the same way, Neff argues that we can cultivate a sense of fierce self-compassion by developing a similar protective instinct towards ourselves. This means standing up for ourselves, setting boundaries, and defending our well-being, just as a mama bear would do for her cubs. By doing so, we can ensure our safety and survival and ultimately live a more fulfilling life.
What are some examples of situations where Fierce Self-Compassion can be particularly helpful?
Fierce self-compassion can be beneficial in a multitude of challenging situations. Here are some examples:
Facing discrimination or prejudice: When confronted with discrimination or prejudice, it's natural to feel overwhelmed by emotions of anger, frustration, and disempowerment. Yet, fierce self-compassion can help us recognize the gravity and unfairness of the situation while also valuing our inherent worth and dignity as human beings.
Coping with chronic illness or pain: Enduring a chronic condition can exact an immense toll on one's emotional and physical well-being. However, embracing fierce self-compassion can help one summon the inner fortitude to navigate the pain and discomfort with greater resilience and self-care.
Dealing with self-doubt or imposter syndrome: Self-doubt and imposter syndrome can cast a shadow of unworthiness and inadequacy, eroding one's confidence and self-esteem. However, fierce self-compassion can help dispel these feelings by acknowledging one's unique strengths and qualities and treating oneself with unwavering kindness and understanding.
Recovering from trauma or abuse: The scars of trauma or abuse can reverberate throughout one's life, haunting their mental and emotional well-being. Yet, embracing fierce self-compassion can offer a beacon of hope, providing a safe and nurturing space to process and heal from the wounds of the past, empowering one's healing journey toward wholeness and restoration.
Managing work or academic stress: The relentless demands of work or academia can push one to the brink of burnout, anxiety, or depression. Nonetheless, embracing fierce self-compassion can enable one to cultivate essential self-care practices, establish healthy boundaries, and approach challenges with a compassionate and empathetic lens, fostering a greater sense of well-being and self-awareness.
Navigating relationship difficulties: Navigating through the turbulence of relationship conflicts can take an enormous emotional toll, eliciting feelings of self-doubt and guilt. However, fierce self-compassion can offer a beacon of light, enabling one to maintain a compassionate and caring attitude towards oneself, even amidst the most challenging interpersonal dynamics.
What does practicing Fierce Self-Compassion look like in action?
Setting boundaries: Practicing fierce self-compassion involves setting boundaries to protect oneself from harm, whether it be physical or emotional. This might involve saying "no" to requests or demands that are unreasonable or unfair, removing oneself from toxic or abusive relationships, or saying "no" to commitments not aligned with your values or priorities that could compromise your well-being. Remember, "no" is a complete sentence.
Speaking up against injustice: Advocating for yourself and others when you witness or experience discrimination, harassment, or inequality.
Standing up for yourself: Uttering up when someone disrespects you, belittles you, or violates your rights, rather than remaining silent or accepting mistreatment.
Expressing your needs: Sharing your needs, wants, and boundaries with others clearly and assertively, without feeling guilty or ashamed.
Taking care of yourself: Fierce self-compassion involves taking care of oneself physically, emotionally, and mentally. This might involve getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, engaging in regular exercise or self-care practices, taking time off work or turning down social invitations, and seeking out professional help or support when needed.
Pursuing your goals: Challenging yourself to pursue meaningful and fulfilling goals, even if they require stepping outside of your comfort zone.
Taking breaks: Allowing yourself to take them when needed, even if it means stepping back from responsibilities for a little while.
Seeking support: Reaching out to friends, family, or a therapist when you need help or guidance rather than trying to solve everything independently.
Embracing your uniqueness: Celebrating your individuality, quirks, and imperfections rather than striving for perfection or conforming to others' expectations.
Finding Balance: The Yin and Yang of Self-Compassion.
To embody a balanced sense of self-compassion, it is imperative to incorporate both tender and fierce self-compassion. The harmonious interplay between these two forms of self-compassion is akin to the yin and yang concept in ancient Chinese philosophy. The degree to which each is emphasized would depend on the particular circumstances one faces.
For example, if one solely practiced tender self-compassion without including the fierce component, it would be incomplete and may lead to passivity and complacency. Conversely, suppose one only practiced fierce self-compassion without balancing it with tenderness. In that case, it could manifest as belligerence, aggression, and egocentricity.
In a nutshell, self-compassion entails soft, passive, and nurturing energy, as well as powerful, fierce, and active energy. Health and well-being are all about integrating both and knowing what to call upon as we go through life.
Poem: Just For Me by Anna Villalobos
What if a poem were just for me?
What if I were audience enough because I am,
Because this person here is alive, is flesh,
Is conscious, has feelings, counts?
What if this one person mattered not just for what
She can do in the world
But because she is part of the world
And has a soft and tender heart?
What if that heart mattered,
if kindness to this one mattered?
What if she were not distinct from all others,
But instead connected to others in her sense of being distinct, of being alone,
Of being uniquely isolated, the one piece removed from the picture -
All the while vulnerable under, deep under, the layers of sedimentary defense.
Oh let me hide
Let me be ultimately great,
Ultimately shy,
Remove me, then I don't have to…
be…
But I am.
Through all the antics of distinctness from others, or not-really-there-ness, I remain
No matter what my disguise -
Genius, idiot, gloriousness, scum -
Underneath, it's still just me, still here,
Still warm and breathing and human
With another chance simply to say hi, and recognize my tenderness
And be just a little bit kind to this one as well,
Because she counts, too.
"Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others." - Dr. Chris Germer.
Warmly,
Anny
Kindly note: The information included in this blog is not intended nor implied to be a substitute for mental health services. Please consult with a qualified professional to determine the appropriateness of the information for your own life experiences or if you have any questions.
