Building Bridges of Understanding: Establishing a Relationship with Our Inner Critic with IFS Therapy

IFS Therapy: The Inner Critic has a Protective Function

(Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash)

Our Inner Critics serve as powerful protectors within us. They act as evaluators, passing judgments that can be negative or positive towards other parts of ourselves and people in our external world.

The Inner Critic's purpose usually falls into one of two categories: firstly, to keep us small and prevent a recurrence of distress experienced by vulnerable parts burdened with shaming beliefs, or secondly, to inflate our self-worth by belittling others and feeling superior.

Some of us have vigorous and dynamic protector parts that use criticism as a shield or weapon. Their constant barrage of reproachful voices can become deeply ingrained, leading us to internalize their criticisms and develop self-hatred. Conversely, certain critics can inflate our ego, fostering a sense of superiority and entitlement.

These parts wield significant influence in our internal system, particularly when trauma has been experienced, and often interact in opposing ways with other parts. However, recognizing that all parts have benevolent intent, including these harsh protectors, is essential. When we delve deeper into their underlying motivations, we often discover that their seemingly intense demeanor stems from a place of genuine concern—they simply express their care through criticism as a means of safeguarding our well-being.

Here are some examples of how our Inner Critics may show up in our internal system to keep us safe: 

• Instilling feelings of worthlessness to discourage us from forming close relationships or taking risks. 

• Prohibiting vulnerability due to fear of rejection or judgment.

• Exerting control over our performance to avoid rejection.

• Constantly worrying about our appearance and how we come across to safeguard against rejection that leads to excessive preoccupation with body image.

• Keeping us modest or unseen, depriving us of feeling good about ourselves or pursuing goals. 

• Safeguarding us by diminishing our self-esteem and encouraging us to remain small.

To explore the Seven Types of Inner Critics in greater detail, check out an earlier blog post, From Tormentor to Ally: Transforming Your Inner Critic with Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS Therapy / Parts Work).  

What are Common Reactions to our Inner Critic? 

Studies in mindful self-compassion have contextualized shame as an innocent emotion that emerges from the desire to be loved. Brené Brown also talks about shame as this deeply painful belief that we are flawed and undeserving of love and acceptance. 

"The most transformative paradox, in my opinion, is that shame is an innocent emotion that arises from the wish to be loved. The wish to be loved is the engine that drives the train of shame." - Chris Germer, PhD

Within the framework of Internal Family Systems (IFS), whenever these feelings of shame, unworthiness, or being unlovable are activated, our internal parts instinctively intervene to protect us from further harm. These parts manifest as various defense mechanisms, or traumatic adaptations, which aim to shield us from the piercing pain of shame and maintain our sense of self-worth. 

Examples of Common Reactions to Our Inner Critic: 

1. When confronted with the unyielding criticism of our Inner Critic, it is a typical inclination for many of us to ignore or suppress its voice. This reaction involves a conscious or unconscious attempt to dismiss or override the negative messages emanating from our Inner Critic. Certain parts within us may act as distractors in such instances, employing various strategies to divert our attention away from the Inner Critic's harsh judgments. These internal distractors emerge as a means of self-preservation, seeking to shield us by engaging in activities that provide temporary relief or escape, such as:

• Distracting ourselves by engaging in activities that keep our minds occupied, such as mindlessly scrolling through social media, binge-watching TV shows, or excessively working.

• Or we may drown out the Inner Critic by turning up the volume on external sources of validation and praise, seeking constant reassurance and approval from others.

• Another way we may try to ignore or override the Inner Critic is by suppressing our emotions and associated thoughts. We may bottle up our feelings, put on a brave face, and try to convince ourselves and others that they are unaffected by the Inner Critic's harsh judgments. 

These distractions offer a brief respite from the Inner Critic's persistent presence, allowing us to temporarily detach from self-critical thoughts and find solace in momentary distractions. But, of course, any avoidance can lead to a disconnection from one's authentic emotions and a denial of the Inner Critic's impact on our well-being.

2. In the face of the Inner Critic's uncompromising judgment and criticism, another common response is to succumb to a sense of surrender or defeat. Confronted with the overwhelming negativity emanating from within, we may find ourselves enveloped in feelings of hopelessness, resignation, or a deep-seated belief that our endeavors are futile. The relentless onslaught of self-critical thoughts and emotions can gradually chip away at our motivation and self-assurance, leaving us emotionally drained and depleted.

The experience of giving up or feeling defeated by the Inner Critic can manifest in various ways. For instance, some individuals may:

• Withdraw and disengage from activities we once enjoyed or goals we had set for ourselves. We may abandon our aspirations and dreams, feeling that we are not worthy or capable of achieving them. 

• Or we might experience a loss of self-esteem and confidence, doubting our abilities and feeling inadequate in various aspects of our lives.

The Inner Critic's persistent voice can create a sense of powerlessness and a belief that one is inherently flawed or unworthy. It can make us question our value and worth, leading to a downward spiral of self-doubt and self-sabotage.

3. Additionally, there are parts within us that try to cheer us up when the Inner Critic's words become overwhelming. These parts attempt to uplift our spirits and boost our mood, often through positive self-talk, affirmations, or seeking external validation and praise. They remind us of our accomplishments, strengths, and the support we have from loved ones. By focusing on the positive aspects of ourselves and our lives, these parts aim to counteract the negative impact of the Inner Critic's voice.

4. On the other hand, some parts emerge to numb the emotional pain triggered by the Inner Critic. These parts might encourage behaviors that provide temporary relief but ultimately hinder our well-being. They can manifest as engaging in unhealthy coping mechanisms such as finding comfort in food or substances, excessive shopping, or engaging in self-destructive behaviors. These numbing parts attempt to create a barrier between us and the emotional distress caused by the Inner Critic, albeit temporarily.

5. When confronted with the relentless voice of the Inner Critic, some of us may find ourselves responding by picking fights or seeking conflict to deflect attention from our insecurities. These parts within us believe that engaging in arguments or confrontations with others can shift the focus away from self-critical thoughts and redirect the blame onto external factors or individuals. The underlying motivation is to protect ourselves from the discomfort and vulnerability brought about by the Inner Critic's judgments.

6. Similarly, some parts surface within us, urging us to micromanage and exert control over every aspect of our lives. These parts attempt to regain a sense of order, predictability, and security in the face of the Inner Critic's constant criticism. They believe that by meticulously overseeing every detail and exerting control, they can prevent potential mistakes or failures that may reinforce the Inner Critic's harsh evaluations.

IFS therapy offers an alternative approach to address our Inner Critic, moving away from the aforementioned reactive responses. By fostering a relationship with this critical part of ourselves, IFS therapy can promote healing and growth. However, before delving into the specifics of IFS therapy for the Inner Critic, let us first explore what a typical IFS therapy session entails.

What does an IFS therapy session look like?

(Photo by Ian Stauffer on Unsplash)

In many forms of therapy, our internal struggles are often viewed unfavorably and in need of fixing or elimination. However, the most effective path to overcoming emotional barriers is to approach them with curiosity, openness, and understanding. Indeed, this is the guiding principle of Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS): "All parts are welcome." Everything you notice, sense, feel, and think is welcome. By embodying this philosophy and applying it to our inner exploration, we create space for transformative shifts. 

An IFS therapy session takes us on a gentle journey within ourselves, offering a unique and transformative shift in our consciousness. It provides an opportunity to temporarily detach from the external world and turn our attention inward, delving into the intricate tapestry of parts that reside within us. This intuitive process invites specific parts to express their perspectives, leading to meaningful discoveries.

It is common for individuals to feel surprised by their newfound ability to engage in important inner dialogues with these parts, even if initial doubts or uneasiness were present. As the session unfolds, profound insights and heightened awareness emerge, setting IFS therapy apart from traditional talk therapy. The understandings we gain during these sessions are undeniably distinct, offering a fresh and profound perspective on our internal landscape.

Having a conversation between you and your parts is not only possible; it’s transformational.

In IFS therapy, the therapist's primary role is to help us connect with these parts, engage in conversations and negotiations with them, and lighten the burdens they carry. Sometimes, the therapist may use techniques like "direct access," where they directly communicate with a part you embody. They may also facilitate group discussions or gatherings with various conflicting parts within you, creating a metaphorical town hall meeting or campfire gathering.

5 Steps to Work with Our Inner Critic

Deep within us, our inner parts possess distinct voices and modes of expression, each unique to our experiences. While this manifestation varies for every person, let us explore a glimpse of what it might entail, guided by the foundational principles of IFS. It is important, however, to remember that what you are about to read does not demand immediate comprehension, prior knowledge, or instant unraveling. As a client, there are no wrong actions or expectations to fulfill. There is no need to perform or strive, for you are inherently enough. Your journey unfolds at your own rhythm, and your IFS therapist possesses the expertise and specialized training to navigate this process alongside you.

So, how can we start connecting with the Inner Critic, understand its desires, and potentially develop a relationship with this part based on mutual understanding, trust, and even compassion?

Step 1: We Begin by Noticing the Inner Critic. 

To understand and appreciate the Inner Critic's role, we begin by being aware of its presence. Whether it's active during the therapy session or when you recall a past experience, pay attention to the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors it triggers. Did you feel embarrassment or humiliation? Shame, perhaps? Is the Inner Critic a loud voice in your head or more of a constant underlying murmuring presence? Do its messages remain consistent, or do they change? Once the Inner Critic emerges, how do you respond or react to it?

Step 2: Where does the Inner Critic Live in our Body? 

The IFS therapist will invite us to start noticing what we notice inside and how we notice it. The body remembers what the mind does not, so we aim to find the part, in this case, the Inner Critic, within or around our body. As we establish this connection with the Inner Critic, we might also tune into our body's posture. Does the Inner Critic evoke a slouched stance or clenched fists? Our bodies become storytellers, revealing the presence and influence of these parts in their own unique way.

Examples of ways this might look or sound like: 

"I feel tension in my chest."

"I feel a pit in my stomach."

"My head is spinning, and there's all this chatter I can't turn off." 

"I don't know. I can't really feel anything. There is just emptiness inside me."

"I get distracted when I focus inside; I keep thinking about all the work I must do." 

"I just hear a voice saying, "You don't know how to do this" or "This is stupid; you look stupid."

Step 3: How do you Feel Toward the Critic? 

Take a moment to reflect on how you feel toward the Inner Critic within you. Do you have a positive or negative inclination toward it? Do you wish it would disappear, or are you interested in getting to know it better? 

We pay close attention to our feelings towards the Part for a significant reason. If our emotions towards the Part lack curiosity, compassion, interest, or neutrality, our Inner Critic will hesitate to open up and share its perspective. This hesitation is entirely understandable. Just like we wouldn't willingly attend a gathering where we don't feel welcome or open up to someone emitting negative vibes, our Inner Critic seeks a safe space for connection.

If other parts dislike the Inner Critic as we attempt to establish a connection with it, we kindly ask these parts to soften back and observe while we embark on getting to know the Inner Critic. In the IFS framework, which is trauma-informed, it's crucial to approach our internal system with respect and non-forcefulness. If these parts persist in resisting and denying space for the Inner Critic, we shift our attention toward them and take the time to understand their concerns. It's important to remember that no part is inherently bad. The parts that hesitate to engage with the Inner Critic do so for valid reasons.

Step 4: Get to Know the Inner Critic

Once the parts that dislike the Inner Critic step back and give us space, we can approach the part with a sense of curiosity and genuine interest, asking it various questions. These questions deepen your understanding of the part's motivations, concerns, and perceptions. As you get to know the Inner Critic, pay attention to how the part responds and whether you remain open to the insights it may reveal.

Consider asking the Inner Critic the following questions:

What is it that you really want me to know about you? 

What is it that you wish me to understand about your role? 

When you say critical things to me, how are you trying to help?"

What do you fear might happen if you stop criticizing me so harshly? 

Are you content with your current role, or would you rather be doing something else? 

Through this process, we will likely discover that our Inner Critic is driven by profound fears deeply ingrained within. It aims to shield us from potential harm, such as further rejection, humiliation, or shame, and ensure our safety. 

Step 5: Acknowledge and Appreciate the Inner Critic 

After asking questions and receiving answers from our Inner Critic, As we recognize its protective intention, we may be less inclined to dismiss or silence it. Instead, a newfound sense of compassion may emerge, stemming from an understanding that the Inner Critic consistently responds from a place of entrenched anxiety or dread, often originating from past wounds.

At this point, we have likely gained an understanding of the positive intentions behind this part, even though its words may cause emotional distress. We can acknowledge that we have heard and understood its perspective, and if we earnestly feel compassion toward it, we can express our kindness. We let the Inner Critic know we comprehend and value its immense effort on our behalf, acknowledge its dedication, and appreciate its role in protecting us. We can continue building a relationship with this part from this newfound understanding. 

Undoubtedly, IFS therapy offers a broader range of transformative work to effectively alleviate the burdens carried by protective parts and facilitate the healing of the vulnerable parts they safeguard. However, even by initiating a dialogue driven by curiosity and compassion with a protector like the Inner Critic, we lay the groundwork for building trust in our ability to navigate from a place of openness and curiosity instead of reactivity. Over time, we may even witness a remarkable transformation as the Inner Critic evolves from an Inner Tormentor to an Ally.

Warmly,

Anny 

Kindly note: The information included in this blog is not intended nor implied to be a substitute for mental health services. Please consult with a qualified professional to determine the appropriateness of the information for your own life experiences or if you have any questions.